Kiplianity - Fact or Lemon Fancy?

Kiplianity – fact or Lemon Fancy?


One day, well - one morning really , EARLY one morning.. . actually – now I think about it – it was very very late one night in Diss, in another lifetime.

We were recovering from our late night excesses in the usual way – by continuing our late night excesses into early morning excesses and discussing (in our early morning stroky beardy put the world to rights kinda way) the ridiculousness which were the UK’s Sunday trading laws at the time.

Now, as you may or may not know – most laws everywhere have been handed down from religious tenet – and bastardised along the way to take into consideration modern people / thought instead of basing the rules on a shaky 2000 year old principle which was probably made up anyway

It went something like this


Scene: Smoky beer-can and bottle filled front room crammed with semi conscious ex biker types in their mid twenties. Mess and carnage everywhere – RATM playing pretty quietly in the background.


#1: “Bugger I’m Hungry”

#2: “yeah me too – I could murder a fry up”

#3: “Tch – fat chance – a) we’re in the middle of bumfucknowheresville and b) its Sunday “

#1: “Fucking Sunday”

#2: “So? – isn’t there a shop we can get stuff from if there isn’t any greasy spoons open?”

#3: “hahaha – nope because a) we’re in the middle of bumfucknowheresville and b) its Sunday”

#1: “I hate Sunday trading laws they are so stupid”

#2: “what ARE the Sunday trading laws? – everyone keeps going on about them but I have no clue”

#1: “well, basically, because Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest according to the bible – shop owners are not supposed to sell anything which needs to be prepared before you can consume it”

#2: “eh? – What do you mean?”

#1: “Ferinstance – you can buy instant coffee, but you cant buy coffee beans”

#2: “Wot?!!”

#3: “Beans have to be ground before you can use them – which counts as preparing them”

#2: “That’s fucking stupid”

#3: “Yep”

#2: “What else does it cover?”

#1: “Well, you cant buy bacon, but you can buy ham”

#2: “WTF!”

#3: “Yep – you have to cook bacon – but ham is normally already cooked”

#2: “ffs – I’m starving”

#1: “me too”

#2: “what about cakes?”

#3: “Well, you can buy cakes, but you cant buy cake mix – if you look at the letter of the law anyway. Most shops ignore most of it though especially out here – I wouldn’t imagine they get many trading standards visitors checking what they sell on a Sunday”

#2: “that’s archaic for gods sake”

#1: “Precisely”

#2: “eh ?”

#1: “For gods sake – that’s what its all about – God – The bastard”

#2: “So your telling me – that I can go out and buy a KFC – but I cant buy a raw chicken? – Cos I have to prepare it first?”

#3: “Technically, and if KFC were open anywhere within 30 miles of where we are now - yes”

#4: (comes round from a semi-sleep daze) “so I cant, for instance, buy a gullible chicken? Or a Naïve tomatoe...”

Everyone else: “What?”

#4: “nor can I buy a wet-behind-the ears lettuce…”

Everyone else: “WHAT??!!!”

#4: “Well, neither of them are prepared are they?”


(groans, chuckles and cushions being thrown - #4 returns to a semi reclining stupor)


#2: “At least we can get cake - “God Bless Mr Kipling”


...Time Passes...


#2: “Remember those Kipling adverts?”

#1: “Yeah, what about them?

#2: “Well, you never actually SEE Mr Kipling do you…”

#3: “No.. not all of him – just his hand”

#2: “And no-one has ever actually ‘SEEN’ god have they – well not until they die – but we cant check that… haha”

#4: “Nope – top of the line ethereal being that one”

#2: “...and everyone has heard of “The Hand of God...”

#3: "yesss... (everyone knows somethign is coming at this point)

#2: “Hmmm…… and you can get cakes on a Sunday?

#1: “Yep – but you cant bake cakes on a Sunday...”

#2: “Right… and you only ever see Mr Kipling’s hand…"

#1: “Yeah – so?”

#2: “Mr Kipling is God then – stands to reason”

(uproarous laughter ensues)

#’4: “Didn’t he write the Jungle book?”

(More Laughter)

#4: “Blimey - Top bloke Mr Kipling. He’s God, God's hand, wrote The Bible AND The Jungle Book, and also makes exceedingly good cakes… I'm converted”


And Kiplianity was born*


*but also forgotten very quickly when the first person who went to the toilet screamed when their pee was bright green…apparently someone put blue food dye in the punch** the night before for a laugh

**Punch in this instance was a 20 litre oil tub (clean) with the contents of the booze cupboard and fridge poured into it - no ice.